Okay, I really don’t know how to put this one down so bear with me, okay? 

Yesterday I posted an article on my Google+ account from the website e-watchman.  I’ve always been a bit dubious of the e-watchman website since I came across it.  It comes across as an apologetic’s view of the Jehovah’s Witnesses and their publishing company of the Watchtower Bible & Tract Society (WBTS).  I’ve read it here and there, a couple articles have struck me as being rather good and to the point.  I know a lot of people who are attending meetings at their local Kingdom Hall that are not yet baptized and are actually critical of the religion and calling for reform.  That’s an entirely whole different blog entry for me there. 

Anyhow, I posted this article from the site that asked how many will be stumbled.  It very pointedly said that many of those who call themselves Jehovah’s Witnesses are being led astray by it’s publishing company, WBTS.  This is something that I agree with, many who call themselves ‘faithful servants of the Almighty God, Jehovah’ are actually ‘faithful servants of the Almighty Watchtower’, thinking that because the WBTS call themselves the mouthpiece of Jehovah God that they are infallible (oh, do I recall a Watchtower from the 80s that asked if the Pope was infallible?).  All things from the WBTS must be spoken and preached because Jehovah instructed it, right?  They seem to forget that, according to their own ideology, that there have only been two, count them, Adam and Jesus, perfect men that have walked the earth (let’s not forget the one perfect woman “Eve” but I don’t recall them ever saying how Eve was created by god as well so therefore she must have been perfect as well….mmmm, I see another entry in just that statement alone).  If they, those members of the Governing Body and the multitude of people who write the articles and publications are born imperfect, wouldn’t their publications be perceived as imperfect as well? Aren’t there bound to be mistakes in publications that are written by men?  Oh I can hear the comments coming from the JW camp on that, “The WBTS is Jehovah’s mouthpiece, all their direction is from God himself and is law” but yet if you point out their failed prophecies such as the wonderful 1975 day of Armageddon, they will state how they are imperfect, mistakes were made, blah blah blah blah.  They contradict their own statements by trying to defend themselves.  

Anyhow, I get a comment made on the article I posted that stated the article came from an apostate site.  When I call the person out on it, basically saying to him that stating it’s an apostate website is kind of unnecessary since it’s evident that it speaks against the WBTS (not Jehovah) and they seem to think that any negative to the WBTS thing website must make it an apostate site (let’s not even get into how they have warped the very definition of the word apostate and that unless they are born-ins, they are all apostates to their former religious faiths and political parties and such…this is proven by a cursory look up of the word in any dictionary).  The guy says that he’s warning his brothers and sisters (why does that make me think of the story of Cain and Abel when Cain asks God, “Am I my brother’s keeper?”) about the site and that I had hashtagged it (under a few hashtags such as #Jehovahswitnesses #Watchtower and that’s my usual when posting something related to them) in a community that he follows.  So I point out that his own Governing Body cautions them not to comment on vlogs, videos, blogs, threads started by “apostates” and yet he felt this need to comment on my thread, me falling into the category of being an apostate because of my stance with that “religion” *coughcultcough*.  He quotes a statement made by Jesus to Satan when Satan is tempting him with all the kingdoms of the world and yada yada yada, you all should be somewhat familiar with the story if you’re familiar with the Bible and Jesus says “Get behind me, Satan”.  I found this funny since I recognized where the quote comes from timewise, that he’s basically calling me a Satan, a devil, a demon, whatever.  I mention how I don’t even believe in that made up story of god and why say, ‘get behind me, Satan’, is that suppose to make me afraid?  Why should I even be afraid of another made up entity?  I have yet to receive any further comments since then, why is up to speculation.  

But this got me thinking about the hashtagging.  Just because you come across a hashtag on an article that is against your viewpoint, you know that this person is most likely a person that you shouldn’t even be speaking to (in the JW religion for instance), that it’s going to be a pointless discussion, why do they STILL feel the need to make some stupid comment like “apostate site”? What their fellow congregants can’t make that distinction themselves?  Do they think that their statements of “repent to god” is going to make someone suddenly see “the errors of their ways”? Do they truly feel that they are so above everyone else that they have become swelled up with pride, think of themselves as being somehow important? 

I don’t know, all I know is that I see so many things stated by people that I know no matter what I say is not going to change the mind of a person so I refrain from making some snap comment.  (Rather I wait and think about wording and then make some kind of post or, like right now, a blog entry.)  I don’t know, the more and more I see Jehovah’s Witnesses confront former members or people that speak out against them and I see their arrogance (not in all) it makes me recall the Sermon on the Mount with Jesus speaking what we know call “The Beatitudes” , 

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
10 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (www.biblegateway.com Matthew 5:3-11)





Ramblings On Being a Creature of Habit

This is more or less a ramble.  

I am still feeling manic, mind is jumping from one subject to another. I am also feeling very emotional today in that I have experienced waves of irritation, depression and frustration.  I’m having more back pain today than I normally do but I have been pushing myself to accomplish just a little bit more than I normally do lately.  I am not liking how it is now taking longer and longer to clean up my house,and this is just the normal day-to-day cleaning.  The muscles in my shoulders feel like they are permanently kinked and will never stop aching.  I woke up more tired than usual and my irritation started before I even really climbed out of bed.  The youngest pup, Syndell, was whimpering at the door to be let out when she heard the roommate up and showering.  I didn’t want to crawl out of bed, I was so tired and I don’t know why.  It was 11 when I finally was able to go to sleep last night but it usually doesn’t stop me from being up at 6 and getting coffee started and a jump on the morning news and going through my emails.  But for some reason I am off my a-game today.  My clock reads that it’s just after 2 p.m. but I feel like it’s only about 11 a.m.  The joys of sleeping in and getting thrown off for the entire day.  

Maybe that’s it.  My husband had to take Tuesday off of work thanks to that wonderful “lottery” of being mailed a card from the courts that your name is in the jury duty pool.  He wasn’t called to serve on a jury but he did lose a day of work and since I am such the person for routine that I do feel that my week is completely off.  And this is the week that he does an overnight shift on Sunday which will throw next week slightly off.  

I swear, some people think it’s great to screw with a person who has OCD and such but I don’t find it in any way funny to throw me off of a schedule that I am accustomed to.  One little wrench in what is suppose to be routine throws me off completely and can as it has in the past thrown me into a full blown anxiety induced tizzy.  I am not afraid to admit that and I don’t use that as an excuse to be “childish”.  It is very embarrassing to me to deal with a meltdown and find myself in a major disoriented tizzy reminiscent of a teenage drama queen crying over a stain on her favorite shirt.  That’s why I usually end up “locking” myself up in my room and “going deaf” (my terminology for putting music on very loud to where I don’t hear people around me) until I am able to bring myself back around to “normal”.  Anyone who thinks that I enjoy that behavior really needs to see me behind “locked doors” to see how I fight with myself over my reactions, how I berate myself for that not being “normal” behavior, that I shouldn’t be melting down over something so trivial as an unexpected unannounced visit from a friend.  

I think that might be it.  My hubby was home all day Tuesday and is home all day today (as this is his usual day off) and I feel torn between spending time with him but feeling the pressure of taking care of the housecleaning that I have been trying to get taken care of and doing my research and going through all the email newsletters I get.  

Silly, isn’t it?  All thrown off completely because my husband has an extra day off of work this week.  And lovely, on Easter Sunday when others don’t have to work, he’ll be sleeping in the middle of the day so that he can be at work that night and bust his ass like he always does working until almost 4 a.m. and then he gets to start on his Monday shift, which thankfully they keep short on the days that he has worked the night previous.  My weeks are all screwy. 

People think screwing with people like me’s schedule is fun?  Maybe for them, but for me it’s a major stresser that makes me frantic for most of the day and sometimes into the next day.  Yeah…fun.  

Atheism vs Spiritual

atheism: (noun)

1. the doctrine or belief that there is no God.
2. disbelief in the existence of a supreme being or beings.

Spiritual: (adjective)

1. of, pertaining to, or consisting of spiritincorporeal.
2. of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical naturea spiritual approach to life.
3. closely akin in interests, attitude, outlook, etc.: the professor’s spiritual heir in linguistics.
4. of or pertaining to spirits or to spiritualistssupernatural or spiritualistic.
5. characterized by or suggesting predominance of the spiritethereal or delicately refined: She is more of a spiritual type than her 
rowdy brother.
I have often encountered people who ask if I am atheist why I continue to do my spiritual activities such as lighting candles and incense for an ailing friend, why I put certain things in my home that bring honor and recognition to the gods (for example, I have a cup with some keys in the entryway of my home.  These keys belong to Frigg, the All-Mother in Norse Mythology.)  One of the things about Asatru that I have found to be an echo of my own beliefs is to pay homage to my ancestors. Many centuries ago my ancestors followed the Norse deities (as well as the Celtic ones) until they decided to become Christianized.  My ancestors would have called upon Frigg to protect their home, they might have explained away the thunder to their children by telling them the stories of Thor battling the Ice Giants.  Even if I do not believe that the earth is Midgard and that the gods reside in a world called Asgard, I can continue what was family rituals from centuries ago.  It’s things such as that that help keep some kind of direction in my life, it is something that I have done for quite a while and with someone such as myself who is controlled by repetition and is a “creature of habit” it’s a good thing to do (in my opinion in my own case).  
But recently a statement was given about being a ‘spiritual atheist’ that I decided I’d delve into the subject a little bit more.  Perhaps I can help others understand what seems to be a contradiction in terms.  
I often heard that religious people attend church, spiritual people have church in their hearts.  For me, being spiritual is connecting with the earth, understanding the flow of nature.  My ancestors attributed this flow to the workings of gods and goddesses, but they knew that when the stars appeared to them in a certain way, when the colors of the leaves started to change and fall to the ground that it was time to bunker down and steel themselves for the cold that was coming.  As time progressed they learned that it was not gods that made these changes, but that that was the ebb and flow that occurred no matter what.  But their day to day activities remained the same as before.  That is how I feel, I know that because the earth has shifted on its axis as it has for millennia that here in the Northern Hemisphere of the world in the southwestern United States that it’s about to get bloody hot and I make the adjustments to my day to day activities (walking my dogs earlier in the day to try to avoid the hotter temps which flare up my nerve pain) but other than a few adjustments my days are the same.  Regardless if I light a candle in the morning to greet the day or not, things are going to go the way they usually do.  I know that there’s not going to be some huge storm that’s going to destroy my home because I didn’t light a candle this morning.  It is habit for me to do so.  
My talking to the “deities”, well, how many atheists in conversation with someone that gets frustrated swear using the phrase, “God dammit” or “Jesus Christ” or anything like that?  Does that mean that they are professing a belief in a deity?  No, some things are just done out of habit.  Because talking things out for me has been instructional and helpful in my life I continue to do so.  Sometimes I do speak as if I were having a conversation with someone, it assists me come to other conclusions.  When I swear I set something down in the living room and cannot find it I will say aloud, “Loki, please stop messing with me” not because I believe the mischief maker is somehow supernaturally affecting my life, I’m just exasperated and talking aloud. 
There is a movement that promotes spiritual atheism.  Seems like I might just have a new little thing to read into a bit.  As I’ve said, I’m ever-changing, constantly evolving into a better person, one who seeks to understand others, one that just seeks to be accepting of all.  Am I confused?  I’m confused about a lot of things, and I always will be.  It’s confusion that drives me to research, to read, to learn. We will never have all the answers and we will never understand all things and people.  Confusion will live within us whether we accept it or not.  The question I pose to others is do you admit that you’re human and that you will never understand all things or do you put on a facade and tell others that you know all that you need to know in life?  
*This will be a continuously changing topic, I will write more about it as I come to more ideas surrounding it.* 

What Obama Promised the people of the USA

Originally posted on Ace News Services 2014:


OK, Before I type I thought Obama was the real deal when he came into politics, when he got to the White House I felt a hope, I hoped for better. Many American’s I truly believe do not get how much of an bad impact American foreign affairs has on the World. And also, Obams is probably a decent lad. I am just sharing lies he told

I actually feel people are debating with me so much on “Why Obams is so perfect” they actually don’t read my blogs. I never blog against just Obama, I blog against Russia, India, Ireland, even my own country and more , most of my friends here are from the USA, so I write about the American Government also. Obama is in full control of the USA, HE IS THE MAIN MAN, and for whatever reason people still back the man. All I…

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A Spiritual Atheist?


Okay so I am forever shaping my thoughts and opinions, as we evolve that is what we need to do to be progressive.  We cannot keep ourselves chained to how things once were, no matter how glorious we might have felt that they had been.  This is the digital age and technology abounds everywhere and in everything we do.  My husband says that he’d be fine if we lost the internet, he’s said one time that he’d be fine if we lost the ability to use our technology.  I looked at him and asked him how he’d feel if he lost the ability to play on his Playstation, his way of dealing with the stress he goes through with work.  Video games are an escape for him, a way to deal with his anger as well.  I’d rather him be playing Grand Theft Auto or Modern Warfare to deal with his anger than him being in public dealing with people that are only irritating him further.  He is definitely not the hot-headed teenager I knew from high school anymore.  

Anyhow, back to what I was saying about my ever changing thoughts and opinions.  These change as I learn more, as I research more, as I comprehend other information that affects parts of my way of thinking.  I have never denied that I am obsessed with learning about religion.  Most people seem to think when they hear this that I am a highly religious person, usually thrown into the category of being Christian.  Yes, I was born into the Jehovah’s Witness cult and raised as one until I was disfellowshipped at the age of 16.  I went through a brief bout of atheism at that time, I felt rejected and sore from my unceremonious dismissal from the only life I had ever known and I went through this bout where I didn’t believe in god.  Then I started reading about witchcraft as just a mere curiosity.  I started going to church, thought that I had found salvation, but was completely enthralled with the ideas behind witchcraft.  I started considering myself a Christian witch even though I found that to be a contradiction in terms (and I still do).  I attended the UU church very briefly.  I went back and forth between Christianity and paganism until 2011.  I finally realized that I could not commit myself to the Christian ideology with all that I had read in my personal research and what history told me.  I did not deny that this man named Jesus walked the earth.  Did he perform the “miracles” attested to in the Christian Bible?  Perhaps, but did not many perform “miracles” in the name of the “Father, Son & Holy Ghost”?  To me this means that what we call magick (magick relating to witchcraft and magic relating to stage magic such as David Copperfield) was practiced and this man who was named Jesus was able to manipulate those forces just as many others did.  Using the Bible itself it says that Moses and Aaron performed these acts of turning the Nile into blood, brought about a swarm of locusts, turned their rods into snakes which the Pharaoh’s own priests mimicked (Exodus 7:1 – Exodus 11:10); the accounts in the New Testament of the miracles performed not only by Jesus but also his disciples who were not divine.  The proclamations of Jesus turning water into wine and raising the dead and all that signifying that he was truly divine never sat well with me since there’s mentions of miracles being performed by the likes of Elijah, Elisha, Moses, Aaron, etc who were imperfect men, born into sin, they had no divinity.  I eventually leaned into the heathen beliefs of Asatru, that made the most sense to me.  But I still had this part of my mind that just could not wrap itself around the idea of a supreme deity or deities all together.  

That leads us up to currently. My subjects of interest are primarily religion, spirituality, history and psychology.  These subjects have been shaping my beliefs and opinions.  I have discovered that I really have no belief in religion whatsoever.  It’s a very interesting subject to me and very much an addiction of mine, so to speak.  I have found many stories in the Bible are found in cultures throughout the world.  This does not mean that the Bible is correct or that any of these other stories are correct.  One needs to remember why people came to believe in Zeus, Jupiter, Odin, Isis, Lilith, and any other deities from any number of cultures.  Early man searched for explanations to why things were the way they were.  For example, using Norse mythology, earthquakes were caused by Loki being bound with by the gods.  Above him is a serpent that drips venom into a bowl that Sigyn holds.  When the bowl is full of this venom, she must empty it leaving Loki exposed to the venom and when it drips upon him he writhes in pain which is the earth shaking.  The advent of Christianity into the world in the 3rd century AD was more or less a new mythos for people to believe in.  A new explanation of why things were the way they were.  And just like the other mythos throughout the world it has lasted millenia (look at how long people believed in the Egyptian mythologies, the Druidic path, Shamanism throughout the world in a multitude of cultures).  To me, Christianity is just another mythology and it will run it’s course until a new way of life is accepted. 

Now for people who know me really well know that I have a spiritual side to me.  I often joke and say that this is the bipolarness of my mind.  I often refer to the Nordic deities in things I do.  I visit the local pagan store which specializes in the Norse traditions and I light my incense and I light candles while wishing my friends health and things like that.  Do I think that my wishes are prayers to deities that are alight upon the smoke of candles and incense?  No, I don’t but I do it because it fulfills this need within me.  I know that with certain people when I tell them that I will include them in my incense and candle lighting because they are going through something it is comforting to them to know that my thoughts are with them.  I wear a ring of hematite at times because it’s said to bring you peace from stress and stimulates energy, revitalization.  If it does, it does; if it doesn’t it doesn’t.   

So I guess one could say that I am a spiritual atheist.  Is that even a real “title”?  I don’t know.  I just know that I have no belief in any gods, I believe religion is psychologically needed for some people but I also find it psychologically damaging to others.  I am spiritual in that I am grounded to the earth but I  put my faith in science and provable facts.  Lighting might be caused by electric fields in the air brought about by temperature and all that hoopla, but when I see lightning I see beauty in it. I don’t see Thor battling the jotunn with his mighty hammer, Mjolnir though I will turn around and tell stories to children about Thor battling the Ice Giants.  I’m just like that. 

I am well aware that some of my followers on this blog are very strong in the Christian faith and that they believe that is the only way to salvation.  I don’t mind that is their belief system and I respect them.  I love to read anything written about religion, no matter what the religion is.  I find it fun to talk about, to discuss in a civil manner, but I refuse to debate religion with people any more (as I once did when I was a regular in Yahoo’s chat rooms way back when…I don’t think that Yahoo has chat rooms anymore?) because I do not find it to be beneficial.  I will discuss it with those who are civil and open-minded about it.  It is when my views and opinions are attacked that I will become very aggressively defensive and I do not like to do that.  

Well, that’s that for now.  


Pros & Cons of Social Media

I subscribe to a psychology newsletter and in an article posted in March it speaks of a study done by the University of California, Yale and Facebook that moods can go viral.  In this article it says that emotions have a ripple effect that leads up to “clusters of synchronicity”. 

This got me to thinking about my recent departure from Facebook.  I had gotten overwhelmed with the amount of arguing and the backbiting and juvenile comments that were swarming through the groups I was in and pages I visited and threads I commented on.  I was insistent on trying to post positive things and provide information.  I finally decided to deactivate my account because it was wearing down on me and making me miserable.  But knowing that I can have my Twitter account as well as my Google+ account as well as various photo sharing sites I could still post about the things that meant the most to me.  I have finally been able to clear up my schedule enough that I can spend a couple hours on photos and still go through my emails and keep an eye on my Twitter account.  I am finding that I have more time available to me to sit down and read my books for longer periods of time.  I am relieved to have finally been able to disconnect from Facebook and be able to still reach an audience.  I have more time to devote to my blogs now too.  

Back to social media.  I do thank Facebook for introducing me to groups of people that have helped me find my voice such as the wonderful Bo Juel Jensen and his fellow activists with AAWA.  I am forever thankful for having the opportunity to have the association of wonderful ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses that I do.  But Facebook has run it’s course for me at this point.  I might reactivate my account at a later time.  We will see.  

I have made friends throughout the world through social media.  I have learned about different cultures throughout the world and their histories.  I have been given the chances to open my eyes to more than one issue thanks to the studious postings of people who insist on the real story being told.  Social media has given me all of that and I am thankful that I can still stay connected to that through Twitter.  

I hope that the posts I make on my social media accounts can generate positive moods that ripple throughout the world enough to make a difference somewhere.  Maybe I can make a difference for someone. 

Mental Health Roller Coaster Rides

The problem with being diagnosed with the mental illnesses that I have is that my life is a constant jumble of cycles and emotions and thoughts and there’s so many ways to handle each of those diagnoses but if two or more of those diagnoses are in full blown mode (and people diagnosed with two or more illnesses know exactly what I’m talking about) those ways of helping deal with one might aggravate another.  You are in this constant flux of managing each of these disorders.  I rarely talk about my conditions, mainly because the stigmatism attached to mental illness.  I really hope that one day people will realize that mental illness does not constitute that we are all mentally unstable, that our conditions make us even more unique because we handle each of these things differently.  I have a lot of issues with anxiety.  One little thing can throw me into a full blown anxiety attack for hours.  I will pace the house, I will go over it in my head a thousand times an hour and then some.  It makes my heart race, it makes breathing slightly harder (my lungs feel heavier when I’m having an anxiety attack), I feel like there’s a pit in my throat, I literally cannot stop thinking about something when anxious.  If the anxiety is produced by the physical assault I went through in 2010 I get jumpy, I snap at everyone (including my adoring husband who I thank everyday for staying by my side through all of my problems), I tend to be more aggressive in my tasks, I push myself even harder than I should in order to prove to myself that I can still do things that I used to do and then I have the inevitable crash of emotions when I realize once again that the physical person I was before that horrible July day is never coming back.  When we’re driving down the road and I see drivers that really make me think of the old joke we would holler at our bus driver back in Patchogue, NY about “Did you get your driver’s license in a Cracker Jacks box???” I’m so frightened of being in an accident where my back is injured again, I always have that fear that the next injury is going to be the one to paralyze me hovering above me.  My life is full of anxiety no matter what I do but I have managed to deal with it.  I have my tricks: mindless games, listening to music, watching something on television, sometimes I even turn on the PlayStation and play one of my games (I absolutely love the Final Fantasy games and only now starting to get interested in The Elder Scrolls).  

But see, I also have bipolar.  And borderline personality disorder.  And OCD.  And PTSD.  And ADHD. You want to talk about a mishmash of feelings and thoughts?  Learning to deal with these individually has got to be tough enough.  But I’m learning how to deal with all of those plus other medical issues.  I refuse to let these conditions which have reared their heads as I’ve aged, some probably have been there but very latent until the assault.  The assault is the common denominator of when these issues started to flare out of control.  It is also after the assault that I finally was able to kick the habit of drug abuse.  I am what is called a dual diagnosis.  Substance abuse with behavioral/mental health disorders.  Talk about a person learning how to juggle, right? Image

(By the way, yes, I am very much aware that this blog is taking a different shape than what I had originally intended for, I’m approaching this in a different manner.  I have had a lot of things going on in the past six months or so and I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and doing what I can to better myself even more as well as being true to who I am. I guess I’m asking people to “watch” as this ‘Mother’ turns into the ‘Crone’ and maybe during this I can help someone else out there.  Maybe one of these posts will be that echo in someone’s mind who has been looking, searching, seeking for help and advice.  I always wanted to give back to those who helped me.)

So, back to this just off the wall topic of discussing how I see and deal with my mental/behavior health issues.  I use mental and behavioral health somewhat interchangeably.  Not quite sure why.  I guess perhaps I always did find my answers to my problems while I would journal.  I stopped journalling at the end of 2010.  The assault had done a number on me.  The ensuing 6 months threw me on a roller coaster from hell.  My eyes were finally opening at that time.  I returned to my hometown of Phoenix, Arizona.  Kind of ironic that I returned home after a very traumatic experience in Boulder, Colorado that, in a sense, killed me only to be reborn in the city of my birth, Phoenix.  From the ashes of the woman I was in Colorado I was reborn as the woman I am today.  I have a tattoo of a woman and a mythological phoenix that commemorates this experience.  It ranks as one of my most favorite tattoos.  

Anyhow, back to the subject matter, This blog is now becoming somewhat of a journal to me.  I am going to write about things that are just running through my head and how I am dealing with them.  I’m going to write about my thoughts on things and why I think the why I do.  As John Lennon said, “You may say that I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.” 

That’s it for the moment.  With all these racing thoughts going on in my head I might be a typing fool tonight (if the medicine doesn’t kick in first).