A new year brings changes and new beginnings for my household. My sister-in-law and her family have moved back to Texas. My niece and her son are moving in with my husband and I. And we are moving from our house to a townhouse. I made a resolution to fight my agoraphobia more, to spend less time on Facebook, to stop being this person that I have started to despise and become the woman I know I am.
I am going to be getting more active in my volunteering with AAWA, I am going to be spending more free time doing heathen-related things (blots & gatherings) and I am also going to spend more time reading and researching so I can finally put the pen to the paper about what I’m learning with my own input of things. I want to be a writer, like I dreamed of as a youngster. I am smart enough, I am good enough. I learned a lot of things in life and I just cannot fight the feeling that it is my responsibility in life to express to others what I have learned and why I believe I had to learn the things I did.
January is named after the Roman god, Janus. Janus had a head of two faces, one that looked forward and one that looked behind. It has always been my belief that is the origination of making a New Year’s Resolution, to look at the past year, reflect on what we have learned and that we make promises that in the new year we will do this or that, we try to right the mistakes of the former year. Maybe I am the only one that feels that or maybe I’m not, but I have looked back at the way I handled things the last few years, I’ve looked at how I made decisions based solely on emotions and that basing important life decisions on just what one feels is not logical and logic is a necessity in my life. Emotional decisions lack organization and with my conditions that regulate my life in an orderly way, I must not make my judgements and decisions while highly emotional.
A new life is starting again in a couple of weeks. A new life in a new home, a beginning of the newest chapter in my life, taking the next steps to my journey of healing from all of the crap that I have gone through in my life. I have progressed from the maiden to the mother and now the mother is starting to think like the crone. May the Crone grant me the aged wisdom I desire, may Frigga bless my hearth with family and friends. I am happy. It has taken a long time but I am getting there.
“The lies that are allowed to sink in do the most hurt.”
I have been out of the Jehovah’s Witnesses cult for twenty-one years. I’ve been researching them for a few years now. I remember when I was younger and thinking that I was so smart because I had “the Truth” and Witnesses don’t lie and their research is spot on because the organization was blessed by Jehovah, the Almighty God. In the past few years I have found myself with my head hung low, embarrassed by my imputience and ashamed that I had been deceived for so long.
The half-truths that they preach as truth warp the mind. It is those half-truths that keep their followers ignorant. It is those half-truths that cause much of the disdain that ends up being called “persecution”. It is those half-truths that destroy lives.
I still deal with the shock of discovering the real truth. Every so often I think of a doctrine I was taught and I will read upnon it. When I see how incorrect my teaching was, I become upset. I’m not a person who handles beibg deceived very well. I’ve learned to let that anger become the fuel to my research. I am determined to correct what was indoctrinated into my young and naive mind.
The lies that they teach, the doctrines and how they handle wrongdoing is so destructive and damaging to one’s psyche and the fact that they mask these things so well to where most people don’t even realize the brainwashing is and/or has occurred within their family and friends. This is what makes it infuriating, WE see it and we try to warn people but we are viewed as hateful and resentful liars.
Yet we continue to beat on the walls of the Almighty Watchtower Society, never ending, never giving up. We are the fighters. We are the ones that they fear the most. We are the Truth Speakers and we will use our last breaths to expose the lies.
First of all, I am a mother. I am also a stepmother to a wonderful young man with autism. My husband’s ex-wife didn’t take well to the fact that her husband was leaving her, for the third time in their marriage. He was tired of the drinking, the fights, her calling the police and trying to have him removed from the home because she was pissed at him in her drunken stupor, she often brought up his felony conviction that he got while protecting his mother. She at one time had a good job, she drove public school bus for one of the school districts. That was until she decided to get behind the wheel of her Toyota with their minor son. She says she was taking her son to his caregiver’s house but she was going in the wrong direction. She blames her son for the accident, she says that she was distracted by his talking. She even tried to debate with a judge over how intoxicated she was at the time of the accident. She says slightly intoxicated, the charge and conviction was for a felony extreme DUI. She lost her CDL, had a month in jail. During the divorce proceedings, she called family franctic twice because she couldn’t find their son. She was so intoxicated that she had forgotten that he was at the caregiver’s. She was so drunk one time that the men that were heat treating her apartment for bugs had to call the paramedics because she entered her home while the home was still super hot from the treatment and it was in the middle of summer in Arizona. When she cut ties between father and son right before Father’s Day my husband called Adult Protective Services as well as calling for a welfare check. He was treated poorly by both the police and APS. All she had to say was that their son didn’t want to talk to him because of child support that she says he owes. Thing is, she signed off on the child support that he owed when they got married. And she turned down alimony during the divorce proceedings. She lives off of her son’s Social Security and this has been reported before. He goes without things because there’s no more money when she pays the bills using nothing but her son’s disability check. My husband tries to help when he can, but he is the only one working as I am unable to work. But neither the police nor APS checks into that. They hear about supposed owed child support and that my husband spent time in prison and they prejudge him and think he’s a worthless deadbeat dad. And all he wants is a relationship with his son. He’s done nothing wrong to deserve to be cut off from his son’s life. All he wants is the best for him and because he chose to not live with a woman who is a drunk who tries to control people around her by using their own pasts against them he’s a bad person. And Arizona being a mother state has given her all the leeway to allow her to manipulate her own son to drive the knife into a good man’s heart.
It took me a long time to come to this point in my life. I searched in all the wrong places, did the wrong things and I blamed all of my mistakes on others and justified all of the wrong things I did. I started to realize and come to terms with all of the mistakes I’ve made in my life only within the past decade. I stumbled my way out of that period in my life. I was starting to regain my composure only a few years ago. I am still searching my inner self and finding out just who I am and how I can continue to better myself. I know what friends I have and I know that I can count on them through thick and thin because they’ve already been there with me. I have left my name upon many lips, some good, some bad, but I have touched people’s lives.
The past couple of months have been trying for me. My sister-in-law’s apartment caught fire and her and her family have been staying with us again. So I’ve had to adjust to two children in the home under the age of five. I love my niece and nephew. I have just realized as of late that I have little patience for temper tantrums and the like. Makes me wonder how I managed to do this when I had my kids. I don’t recall my kids ever really having temper tantrums. They knew that it wasn’t going to get them anything. They also knew that when a parent tells you something, you listen. I wasn’t an overbearing parent. I wasn’t lackluster about it either. I didn’t do everything right but I didn’t do everything wrong. There are things I regret doing and saying, but I am unable to change that now.
I have given a lot of thought lately to the woman I am still becoming. I often say that I’m turning into the crazy old cat lady in the neighborhood. Sometimes I wonder if there’s more truth to that than I realize. I’m cranky. I’m grumpy. I’m bitchy. I am set in my ways, as my grandmother would say. I expect things to go a certain way and I get irked when they don’t. Now, I’m not saying that it has to go my way, only that when I look at something and see an outcome that is the most logical then I expect that particular outcome. When it fails to go that way it bothers me because I fail to see how others do not see the same logic that is obvious to me. I recognize that this trait is partially due to my mental health issues as well as to part of my upbringing.
The fact that this is trying my patience is bothersome to me as I felt for a long time that I was a very patient person. I worked great under pressure and I seemed to keep a cool head in most situations. I do have quite a fiery temper and when it’s lit it seems to take a long time to burn itself out. After many years of conditioning myself of learning ways to control the temper to slipping back into temperamental mentality is very disheartening. I fear that when my patience is tried I will snap like I previously did and scream at my niece and nephew. I do not want them to be scarred by an angry outburst that is more fueled by the fact that I am angry at myself for not being the levelheaded parent I had become.
As I write this I hear my niece in the other room having a temper tantrum and I cringe. It has become nearly an everyday occurrence but it is an issue that we are all dealing with. For some reason, her meltdowns are extreme no matter what we do or say. I do not mean for this to sound highly critical because it’s not. There is a lot to my niece’s life story even at the tender age of three. I just wish we could find a way to stop these meltdowns without giving in and just spoiling her with treats and presents just to stop the screaming. She now has quit so I wonder if she finally subsided on her own or if the amount of anger that coursed its way through her little body tired her out and she fell asleep.
Patience is a virtue and one I have to work at again. I don’t like to be the angry person within me. I rather let the irritation move me to speak rather than allowing it to build into a roaring fire of anger which finally erupts like lava spewing from a volcano.
One day I shall regain the calmness I has before. One day I will be the woman I envision myself of being.